How much I hate cancer.

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Sometimes, I don’t feel it that it’s even there. But, to be honest – your cancer kills me, every single split second. I don’t remember hating anything as much as I hate this. It’s so hard to see your beloveds suffering so much
Going through so much and all you can do is nothing to change this suffering. I suppose, may be that’s the reason they say life is always unfair.
I’m so shaken from the inside. I’m so not strong and I hate how what I believe isn’t true. I want it go away, I want to get rid of it. And, I am so helpless to do anything. What if what I believe was true and nothing like this would ever have caused so much aching to my heart. What if I tell you — I’m strong and I am smiling but I am broken too all along..
The people we love shouldn’t get hurt or ill or even get a little scratch. Nobody should. But, then again there’s no rule like that and it goes on this way, it usually the people we love the most get so much hurt and suffer so much unease.
I wonder how do one explain the suffering of the heart that’s not even physically seen. But. It’s just always there. And, it hurts so fucking much. I wonder how does I narrate the cancer of my heart, which doesn’t need a chemotherapy but your health as its comfort. I wonder how do a smile shine so fine from someone so much cracked? No, I can’t even get closer to explaning it. And, it’s always unfair this way. May be it’s not but I feel so sad that – You, who I love so much kills me every second by being so ill, so terribly ill.

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