Years gone by..

It was today that I was randomly looking up something on internet and I came across my Word press account. My long forgotten WordPress account! And, as I went through it and read my previous content.. It reflected the person I used to be. Carefree, happy, someone who wrote with heart, with a happy heart, a heavy heart. It took me to a different world. I wanted to be that again all of a sudden. Years have gone by and still, a part of me lives where it used to. I have grown up but those things I did as a teenager little girl, still lingers on.

So, I have come back and I will tell you about how topsy turvy the last 5- 6 years has been. After losing baba, I wrote for a while and then I let it all go by slowly.. The diaries, journals, the girl who always sang and wrote poems, wanderer, the firefighter, the enthusiastic girl who loved life.

I have traveled then, but not with my whole heart. Wrote but not happily. Danced but half heartedly. I have loved but how does a person love another when she has forgotten how to love herself? I have made people smile and laugh but deep down I never felt the happy that I used to! Everything went weird all of a sudden. Loosing a loved one leaves you numb for the rest of your life. I stopped talking about it. I tried to stop feeling it too. I wanted to get busy in a life where I dont get to think of it all. But, through it all, I changed. I completely became a person that I never was. My personality altered. Focusing so much on the change, it left me be of nowhere. Numb & empty! Someone who doesn’t know how to do simple things anymore. A girl who was so full of life, was lost somewhere. God, this is so hard to put in words but I miss the person I used to be. I miss that cheerful girl, full of life and someone who gave others a sense of happiness. 

And, now after so many years, I am here writing again about it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this? But, honestly apart from just missing my own self – I want to be brand new for someone else! Yes, for someone who’s going to look up to me. Someone who will learn from me. Learn to be happy from me. He will learn everything from the way I do it. And, I don’t want him to learn to be unhappy. When you become what you have lost, you subside your sadness and take a brand new path and prepare to be your best self. I wonder, our parents would have had done this too! They would have left everything behind only and only for us! And, now it’s time for us to do what once was done for us! Our kids might never realize it, like I never did. Like so many kids never even finds it out even in their entire lifetime. 

Becoming a parent, changes you and rebuilds you. Such is the power of parenthood. I pray one day my baby knows how his love has changed me even before I had him in my arms! And, this is the point, the turning point where we realize that our parents have done so much for us that we will never be able to even find all things out. Maybe we do, by becoming them for our kids. 

– Laloona Jalal!

Monday

9:00 am – 5:00 pm

Tuesday

9:00 am – 5:00 pm

Wednesday

9:00 am – 5:00 pm

Thursday

9:00 am – 5:00 pm

Friday

9:00 am – 5:00 pm

Saturday

Closed

Sunday

Closed

I read this every day! And, I can not tell you How peaceful It makes me feel, How strongly it encourages me to LIVE! <3

To move on, to flow on, to let go, and to forget what hurts is for sure are the hardest ever things to do, but my friend, do we really need to do these things in order to live a peaceful life? Even if you have moved on, does it guarantee any kind of internal peace or solace?
No ! It doesn’t. We invest so much of our life in trying to forget things that have already happened that we are left with almost nothing to invest in today & tomorrow. The hardest challenge of life is to live in “now”. To live one moment at a time. The pain associated with yesterday and the joys of imagining a happy future are both equally intoxicating. We can spend our whole life in thinking about what happened and what we want to happen. We will never even know when life passed by. That’s what we all do. Today, we are so busy in mourning what has gone & cherishing what may never come that we actually do not live.
You don’t need to move on. You need to keep moving. You don’t need to flow, you need to float defying the gravity. You don’t need to let go, but hold on for until it doesn’t hurt. You don’t need to forget. You need to remember that even after you were shattered in a million pieces, you still stand tall. Don’t smile when it aches deep down, but at least cry your heart out so that there’s room for joy. Cry, for hours, days, nights, weeks, months & years. Cry it all out but just for once. Never cry again for the same reason. Joy & happiness can not be acquired. You have to cultivate it. You have to be the source of origin of it. Drift away and apart from yourself, away from being self-centered and look in the direction you always had your back towards. Look and I promise you will find a soul that cares for you so much that it will scare you half to death twice.
Don’t say I am Okay. Don’t be dishonest. If your heart creaks, tear it apart into shreds like a paper. Do it yourself rather than allowing people, circumstances, events, mis-happening-, to do it.
You don’t need to see the good & happy side of life. If focusing on everything that broke you brings you peace, then invest your whole existence in it. Keep looking right in the eye of what broke you until its turns away from you. Life is not terrible my friend, not to live is. To exist like a furniture is.
To live life is the most effortless task you will ever come across. There are a million different ways in which we live our lives everyday. You are living if you can blink, breathe, sweat, yawn.
The most hardest thing about life is not living it. Because to live, you need to exist but to not to live, you need to disappear. Totally.
You are not living my friend, and you say its the hardest thing. Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. Live! when you should. Not when you can. Not when you should’ve. The light that you are is the only source of enlightenment for so many despaired souls. People who love you for the light & energy that you are not for the person. People who love without caring for how you look and whether you even exist or no. People, souls, that wait for their portion of light that you have been showering since the beginning of time.
My friend, live. that’s it. Right away, right now. Period.! ❤

Have I really lost you?

“I don’t know what it would be like to be alive in this world when you’re dead. I don’t even know what is all this going on. Why are there so many people coming here and praying for you. Have I lost you? Have I really been left behind all alone in this big filthy world? Arent you there anymore to listen to me and turn those bright eyes to me as I call your name, Baba? Aren’t you there anymore to hold my hand when I stumble across an unseen stone?
Have I really lost you, Baba?
Have I really lost you, my father- my love, my best friend, my buddy, my guardian, my care taker, my coach, my teacher, my mentor, my King, my Baba?

Baba, The pain of your absence pierces me here- right here across my chest now that I have begun to face this world and people without you. I know not how I shall heal but I promise I will. For I know you’d never want to see me in pain. I promise to make you happy and defeat this pain. I’ll let You win, Baba, not the worries. I’ll muster all my courage to be what you want me to be. To do the things you want me to do.
It’s hard- it’s very hard, Baba. But I know what hardships you went through just to make me happy. It’s the time I’ll pay off. And I promise I will. I know you’re looking at me right from there, and you’re smiling, you’re happy to see your little baby all grown up ready to fight, ready to face the challenges, ready to live a life you wanted her to live, and I promise I will always make you smile”

With Love, Your Proud Daughter! ❤

How much I hate cancer.

Sometimes, I don’t feel it that it’s even there. But, to be honest – your cancer kills me, every single split second. I don’t remember hating anything as much as I hate this. It’s so hard to see your beloveds suffering so much
Going through so much and all you can do is nothing to change this suffering. I suppose, may be that’s the reason they say life is always unfair.
I’m so shaken from the inside. I’m so not strong and I hate how what I believe isn’t true. I want it go away, I want to get rid of it. And, I am so helpless to do anything. What if what I believe was true and nothing like this would ever have caused so much aching to my heart. What if I tell you — I’m strong and I am smiling but I am broken too all along..
The people we love shouldn’t get hurt or ill or even get a little scratch. Nobody should. But, then again there’s no rule like that and it goes on this way, it usually the people we love the most get so much hurt and suffer so much unease.
I wonder how do one explain the suffering of the heart that’s not even physically seen. But. It’s just always there. And, it hurts so fucking much. I wonder how does I narrate the cancer of my heart, which doesn’t need a chemotherapy but your health as its comfort. I wonder how do a smile shine so fine from someone so much cracked? No, I can’t even get closer to explaning it. And, it’s always unfair this way. May be it’s not but I feel so sad that – You, who I love so much kills me every second by being so ill, so terribly ill.

Daddy.

 

Daddy. I love you. From the very first moment I realized who I am and How you have struggled so much to make me the person I am today. The Girl that you have raised me to be. The human being that you have transformed me into. I couldn’t be less thankful and as days pass on and I grew up so big and tall. It’s sad to see you’ve grown so old and weak to not be able to play with me anymore. I miss the strength in your arms that picked me up. I miss the active person who’d help me do everything from my school homework to helping me putting on my socks. You’re my first and last hero. And, do you even know how sad I feel about this that instead of you helping me out with everything, now I have to hold your hand even when you have to sit in your bed. And, That no matter how much I smile, I am always cracking inside. My heart scream out silently because I am not as strong as you are. There’s no word I can find about how much I really love you. No matter what I become, how high I’m qualified, How big of a post I be on.. Nothing makes me more happy than seeing you all healthy and fine. I would give my life to see you doing great!

 

All this time, when I was small and helpless — you have spoon-fed me with every single thing that I’d do. You have taught me to be a better person. You have raised me a person who helps others and who is always there for everyone. You have taught me from my little babbles to my first steps to my first song. And, help me convert my fears into my strengths, to always be honest and always be selfless regardless of what the situation might be. You have been an example to my honesty and modesty. I learnt from you to live out to the fullest, to enjoy and make others happy. To be joyful and cheerful. You are such a happy person! ❤ Everybody who knows you, respect me being your daughter! They look up at me and encourage me. I have never been so proud my entire life. Your family loves you more than anything for everything you have ever done for them. And, now — we need you to be strong again. You’re sick and weak. And, I can’t see you this way. I want you the same strong as you were! You’re my inspiration, my strength, the love of my life, and my EVERYTHING! And, If i have to choose between you and my life – I’d choose you because You are my Life! ❤ MY entire existence in a person. Yes, it’s YOU, Baba! 

 

 

Long Lost Journals.

It’s been a while, and for a while I didn’t really notice where and what was missing? until I finally realized that I don’t remember the last time I had kept a physical journal. I feel really sad about the lazy human being I have become. I miss writing and somewhere in the dust, Don’t know what had me so busy that I forgot noting down everything the way I used to. I feel so not myself.

Writing has always been my thing. I always am very better at putting stuff into words then saying it verbally. I stammer when I have to. Often in my class, during a lecture, sometimes I have a stronger opinion but my voice fails to catch the words require to convey whatever I want to say. Yet, However, I still manage to say it somehow. I feel really proud of that. The fact that I’m loud and outspoken is the reason I put a lot of emphasis on my voice 😀 Sigh! People take that as rudeness. 

I am better off with my stationary bags, when I am making cards, writing poems and writing whatever my heart feels like. The very best way to let out what annoys me from the inside. I’m a person with a perspective that written material, coming straight away from the heart has the power stronger than that of a sword. I like writing/typing. So completely my thing! I’m always swooning over my ability that makes me actually different (To some people, it’s craziness) I love being crazy if it’s this way :’)

I’m obsessed with colors. I love brightening things. I love bright lights. Tall lamps and short lamps. Colored walls. I love making handmade cards. I also love sleep. Because I see beautiful dreams. I love CAPITAL letters. How they can Emphasize on what is being put emphasis on. I love exclamation marks! The certain alert feeling that it portray – is wonderful. I love writing randomly about what i feel. About what I feel is right and what isn’t. About dates and days. The exact accurate time along with the minutes and seconds. I love noting down all the teeny tiny details. Every bit of everything. And, these all – can be best done in a journal. Sometimes what happens is that a certain situation, a person or a certain place makes you feel something and that certain thing can only be perfectly narrated when you have a pen and journal at that very moment. You see, the beauty of a picture can be captured and kept. Similarly, A writer draws the beauty of a thing in words. When it is read, a picture is made in one’s head. An original one from everybody’s own mindset. It’s beautiful the way it’s done!! ❤

 

In the name of the memory. #Repost

Deep inside the Rusting steel, beyond the nail that’s kneeled inside the wall, the droplets of the waterfall and ink drops of the mighty pen’s nib. Each of these do feel, things that aren’t easily felt or said. Because, there’s a dept in every feeling and has it’s own different way to be felt. Same way, there’s a sea inside of me. This sea – it needs to be calmed down. Because, within me the insecurities have grown so far and wide. It’s not just easy – not at all lemon squeezy. I have taken up years and grown up to be like this. Like an immature adult, like a faulty person, like a scratched diamond, like an invisible pearl/ Because I have been hidden all the time. So afraid to say what I really need to. Never been able to make my own decisions, with the courage being crushed up inside me – yes, that’s Me. This invisible worth will remain dormant forever Because, I have lived up like that. I have cried all along, I have been so alone, so completely forlorn. But, through all the tragedies and all the days so bad. I have finally decided to put my hands altogether before my Almighty Allah. I know HE could help me out.  I know HE could seek out what I couldn’t for so long. So long, all these feelings have been inside of me. Because what I need is so unreachable, so ungettable  and untouchable. May be it’s so far, may be its not something I deserve. But, then there’s this voice deep down within me that I know how much I really want it. I believe that all my beliefs will never die. Throughout my downfalls and dissappointments, I have learned not to stop dreaming. And, in my dreaming I have finally discovered what I have always wanted, what I have always prayed for, what I have always so eagerly wished for..  is not too far away. It’s just here – with me m – inside my heart. Yes, it is. I never knew I needed YOU so much, so bad and so intensely. Yes, It’s you, My Lord!

Everything we ever need is never too far away. Even if we are left with nothing on Earth and We know that Allah is there for us. We will never break. We will never shatter like a helpless being. We are all made strong by our beliefs and by our faith in HIM. I have found nothing else but only HIM in the darkest of my hours. It was HIM when I was completely broken. HE helped me stand strong all over again. HE Built up my courage when it had crushed down. Yes, It’s only HIM who I have when I was all left alone. And, now I know I have everything when I really have nothing. And, I know I would never be able to repay HIM ever, ever in my lifetime and even in the world hereafter. I know when I am dead, this memory Is going to live forever, in everybody’s life. We all are going to be a memory one day, someday. Only HE is forever alive. Forever to live and is an immortal entity.

Because I have lost my mind

It’s 3 a.m. in the morning and I want to talk to someone. Not the kind of talk that’s romantic or stuff. I crave real conversation. About so many why’s and how’s and where’s and When’s? I wonder if there’s someone who could talk to me in person. I am also sick of calling people to talk — where I know nobody gives a shit actually. So, in real — I want the kind of talk, where there is an argument. Where the other person do not let me finish my sentence and I do back the same. And, Also it isn’t very important that the conversation be about some high-tech thingy. I am a normal person with super abnormal thoughts. It’s okay if you talk stupid with me. I have no issues if your brains are completely brand new! ^^

Let’s begin with measuring the length in time. Or, how the colors work. How the atoms revolve? Or, may be about the stars. Let’s talk about the things people wonder about. Let talk about fish or seashells, about the falling stars, Let’s talk stupid and crazy and non sense. About the darkness, the gravity, the humidity, the skin on us. About my irksome mood swing right now that is making me write this. And, I don’t know who you are and where you are and why do you exist so much in my head, my thoughts, my dreams and in every blink of my eye. I don’t know why’s is it that I don’t even know you and you’re there so much and even there’s a different connection, too. I don’t understand why do you happen so much and why do I talk to you so often when I know you are not even listening and and aren’t aware of this either. But this is real. I talk to you – and I hear you back too — every time I close my eyes. I say the things I have never said and you say them all too. and you know what makes you so adorable? That you aren’t even real! And, I know unreal things and people never leaves.

And, somewhere, through all of this I know I didn’t make any sense at all. But, I do not know how to gather up my mind, I don’t know how to rhyme up words anymore and make a readable thing from what’s there in my head. I tried, and I messed it up even more. But, Ironically, I somehow am not a loser who doesn’t say what they want. I want you,and you’d never believe that it’s you. So, I talk crazy because I do not know how to tell you and I do not even know where you are or whether you exist or not? I’m so afraid I’m making my imaginary people real and more afraid because I know they’re just thoughts. 

How afraid I get without You

I needed a hero, So I became one. 🙂

Being a human, We are strong like a rock; fragile like a feather – Altogether
I’ll tell you a story and I know you’ll cry
My words often times get way to monotonous
May be because I am so filled with a heartache
I see the weather isn’t hot anymore – it’s all gloomy
And the clouds aren’t really pouring, they’re crying
I stand here all on my own and I watch the world running in a rush
Nobody, nobody bothers to look around while I stand here
May be all this time I was wondering what is it that I am afraid of?
And, I found an answer within myself
I am afraid of myself, when you’re not here
And, now when things are the way they are
I like standing in the rain, to hide my face all tearful
I like to sit alone too, so I’m not asked what is it that make me cry?
I wonder alone for hours and hours & I look for peace
I find it so hard to be always fighting myself in my head
I find that everything, around me – no more makes any sense to me
I wake up every morning, I don’t want anything and I don’t do anything
I don’t say anything and I remain quiet all day long
For some reason I am okay to be on my own
Because the answer to all of the questions
Is “You” – yes, Only “You” —
Only, if only – I can explain How afraid I really am
How scared, alone, sad and how cold I really get with the thought
Of being here without you, of being all afraid.

I swear.

Lately, it has been a little foggy – deep and dark inside my heart.
It has been a little cold and a little shaggy – a little that I swear
I have been smiling too much. Too much to hide now.
I have been too wild and lively that I forgot it can be taken away any moment
But, I swear, I have been a little not very happy about myself
Or about why it is never the way I have planned things
And, that I have never really complaint either
Because, with all the good things there’s a price
Why’s is that to Happiness it’s life?
I have never had immortal dreams
Does that sounds like I am ready to give up on life that soon?
We all are all alone when we need someone tell us we will be okay
Sometimes, it’s okay to need someone to tell us it’s going to be all fine
And, tell us that it’s okay if all the poems doesn’t end up in a rhyme!
Majorly, that everything has a cost and everything can be lost, too
So if life is the answer to that may be I am all ready to give up all mine
Not that I wouldn’t like to keep it but I want your’s to be there forever
Also, at times when my heart gets so gloomy
I cant help my fingers to stop – to stop whatever is there to fling
I swear, I cannot help to make it stop
Stop my eyes, my heart and my hands.
Cannot stop to lie about how lies are eating me all up
I swear, I swear, I am so sick of lying so much to myself

its strange how much destruction one person can cause inside your heart.